Monday, October 11, 2004


Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

Take new pill from bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from bottle. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from mantle and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Get screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Get bottle of Cuervo. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from bottle.

Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty gardening gloves from garage.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of tequila. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for animal shelter to collect mutant cat from HELL, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


01. Wrap it in a cheese single.