Saturday, August 27, 2005


OK guys stop sending me these!!!!! I'm not going to Baghdad. The jokes are getting stupid now. However this is a good one and worth posting. It made me laugh. Thanks Carlo. My theory on the virgin thing is that only a real fugly guy who can't get laid is someone most likely to blow himself up. He's desperate for virgins. LOL

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 X boxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to substitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005



Didn't mommy and daddy give you enough attention when you were a child?
It amazes me how stupid so many literate and English speaking U.S. citizens act . The conversations I have with many of them are incredible. I feel like asking them, "are you retarded? Cause there's a 'special' doctor for you at another clinic." What is it that doesn't click when I say their doctor isn't in on Wednesday or Friday? They ask for an appointment with Dr Liu and I tell them from the beginning he is here only on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning." Patient-> "Can I see him on Friday. It's my day off." Me again-> "He's only here on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. Patient "What about in three or four weeks then anytime on a Friday?" Me repeating myself a third time. Patient-> "Honey, you gotta understand, I'm 62 years old and only working part time and I need to see him on a Friday." (Fuck me! What does being 62 and working part time have anything to do with the doctors schedule??) Me, "What do you want me to do? It's his surgery day on Friday and he's booked through the middle of October. I can leave a note on his desk with your request that he not do surgery one Friday in the near future and I'll put your phone number on it so that he can call you back and discuss it with you." CLICK. LOL LOL
People do this to us all day long. If I don't get them one of the other secretaries gets one, cause I hear the same old thing every now and then......He's only here Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning and then repeated. LOL Some people are a dumb fucktards. (I stole that one from you FF)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

It's Raining Dead Cicadas

Well I'm convinced that Cook County is trying to kill me, us.......the whole northern county. We got an announcement on our answering machines that trucks were going to tool by and spray poison so as to control mosquitos in prevention of the deadly West Nile Virus that has been plaguing us for 3-4 years now.
They said, close your windows and bring your pets in the house at sundown.
I think it's a one shot deal, until a week later on a different day, I hear the spray trucks whirring in the near distance. Well I didn't get any messages on my machine about their second return and I wasn't notified that this would be a weekly event. I just knew that my favourite neighbour "Georgie" a grey tabby was out.

Georgie is my pal. Georgie lives in my building but is always out playing and hanging out in the evening.
So of course I freak out and fly out of the house to find Georgie and bring him inside. "Georgie! Georgie! GEORGIE!" I'm calling out. I'm looking under bushes and all around. No Georgie. All of a sudden like in a nanosecond, this truck comes speeding out of the alley, turns onto my block and PSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PSSHHHHHHH! GAK! "GEORGIE!!!" No Georgie, so I go inside. Georgie always comes running to me when I call him. Always. So Georgie's mom brought him in, I hope in the nic of time.
Meanwhile I come in. Sit down and all of a sudden my eyes start to tear. I look in the mirror and they're red. NO FUCKING WAY. I thought this poison doesn't poison humans? I put some Patanol in my eye and some lubricating drops and I'm good, but pissed. So 25 minutes later, I decide to go return "The Life Aquatic" movie at Blockbusters (DUMB MOVIE. DUMB AND WEIRD) and all of a sudden it starts raining dead cicadas. GROSS GROSS AND TRIPLE GROSS! EEEEEWWWWWWW.

Can you imagine getting decked with these things? Dropping on your head and squishing their guts as you walk down the street cause they're all over the sidewalk. Nice summer evening huh?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

DOGGY SNIPER Posted by Picasa


Holy crap it was a real close call today. I finally get my renewed passport which I've been anxiously awaiting for my trip to Turkey. I can hardly wait but this trip was done on a whim and well I was careless and never renewed my passport when it expired in January. I took it personally to the passport agency and crossed my fingers hoping for the same two week service that my friend got. It took a little longer but finally got it Friday the 12th. So August 15th, I take it personally to the Turkish Consulate downtown. O.K. I understand going through the metal detector. They've had their share of shit these past few years and past few weeks for that matter. There have been at least a half dozen bombings and explosions since I got my friggin ticket. Murphy's Law here. (I'd like to wring Murphy's neck and snap it like a chicken bone). Anyway, I take my filled out application form with passport and $20.00 bill. Fine. The guy looks at me, gets up, leaves the room. Comes back and asks me what my birthdate is. He types in the computer and gets up and leaves again. He talks to some woman in another room, I'm sitting there wondering. Fuck me! Do I look like some terrorist on some wanted list or something? So, I do some inhaling/exhaling exercises. Calm down MEOW. So he finally comes back after awhile and asks me my birthdate again. WTF?? I tell him again. He finally tells me, Miss, I'm sorry but I just think you have a fake passport. I said, "WHAT?! It's not." He says, "You just don't look your age". Fuck-O-rama! I think. I didn't know what to say. I'm flattered of course that he actually does find me obviously so very young looking and I said to him, "well, I don't have a husband and children. Those two things alone will take at least 15 years off your life", with a chuckle. Well he found that answer acceptable, laughed and gave me my passport and visa. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! That was a close call. I was willing to even admit to plastic surgery if I needed to. Even tho I didn't have any. But it was un-nerving just the same.

Turkey get ready here I come!